So, the last couple of weeks have been pretty stressful and difficult with a few notable exceptions. So I figured that maybe it’s time for a bit of a update, but also just to type stuff out to make myself feel better. This isn’t gaming related so feel free to not read it.
Lately I’ve been talking to a friend of mine who has been pointing out that a lot of the problems I have seem to come from not knowing myself very well, or from self confidence issues. I tend to worry about things a lot, and even minor things can stress me out. I wouldn’t call myself a perfectionist, but if I mess something up I tend to stress out to the point of getting sick. I worry about all these little things that some people might think are silly. I worry about what people think of me, so I’m very guarded about what I say or how I act. I open up to only a few people, and if I open up to you that means that you are someone important in my life. To be honest, there are not that many people that I have really opened up to. This makes it difficult for me to make friends because I’m afraid that I’ll do something or say something that will cause them to go away. If that happens early then it bothers me less than if I come to care about someone. If I care about someone and they decide they don’t want to be friends anymore than that hurts, and I don’t like that. So I tend to just watch what I say and hope that if I say something stupid they don’t just go away.
Which I think really is my biggest issue. I have so few people that I truly care about that when I find someone I don’t want to lose them. But this is also why I have a hard time making friends. I have this fear of rejection, or of abandonment. I get depressed because I’m often lonely but I’m lonely because I don’t let people in. I’m content with having a few close friends that I can talk to about things, but even then I shut off to the world a lot.
Lately I have had days where I feel truly happy and it’s mainly because I have a friend that just is an amazing person and talking to them just makes everything feel better. For me it feels weird to be happy because it feels like it has been such a long time since I have been.
Another thing that I really need to work on is being happy with myself, and not rely on other people to make me happy. See the above paragraph for an example of this. I shouldn’t put my happiness on one person. I need to learn to be happy on my own, or I’m always going to be the negative, cynical person that nobody wants to be around. I mean I know I don’t like being around negative people so I know that’s not the type of person I want to be. All I really want anymore is to just be happy, without worrying if I’m going to upset someone because I am the way I am. That’s also unfair to all my friends because that just makes it sound like I expect them to just disappear without saying anything to me. I don’t really think anyone I know would do that, and I shouldn’t view any friendship like that.
The biggest thing that I’ve been doing recently to kind of help myself out is to go to board game nights that happen a couple times a month. I like going to those because I get to escape for a bit and have fun. There are people there that are friendly to me, and I have one person there that I always look forward to spending time with. I’ve also been participating in twitch chat a bit more often, though only in smaller chat rooms where everyone there is regular.
It’s also coming up on a difficult holiday for me, Valentine’s Day. I’ve never really enjoyed this holiday because for most of my life I have spent it alone. I was able to at least have someone this year that I was able to buy some things for even if we’re only friends. I enjoyed making someone happy, which in turn made me happy. But on the actual day I am likely to be depressed to nobody’s fault but my own. I’ll likely not think about it to much when it actually happens, but leading up to the day I’ll be feeling down.
In the end I think a lot of my problems are caused by how I view myself. I don’t really know how to be happy, which is one of the two things I really want right now, to be happy and to have someone who cares about me.
I don’t know if that turned out to be much of a mental health post. It’s more introspective but sometimes it helps to just put it out there. I need to work on my stress, and how much I worry about what other people think of me. I need to trust that my friends won’t just ditch me because I say something stupid.